some thoughts...

The Whirlwind That Took Me to California

2011-04-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

About four and a half weeks ago I came to Sacramento to interview for a position as a chaplain resident at UC Davis Medical Center.

The interview was on Friday at 1. At 2:20 or so the interview concluded and a current resident took me on a tour of the hospital while the committee members present for my interview discussed their thoughts.

At roughly 2:40 the chaplain was paged and asked to bring me back to the room, the committee wanted to see me.

At about 2:50 the committee asked me to join their current residency to fill a position that had just opened up, stay through the summer, and continue straight into the next residency year, completing 6 CPE units in 1 1/2 years.

When would I start? How soon would I have to move here?
As soon as possible. (Well, actually they said Monday would be preferable. I might have laughed and said it was not physically possible for me to drive to Sacramento by Monday even if I were in St. Louis, packed and ready to go.)
Thankfully we were able to negotiate a slightly later date.

Shocked at the unexpected offer and stunned by the thought of packing up my life and moving 2,000 miles across the country in a week, I asked for some time to consider the offer. After about 24 hours of wrestling with my decision, talking to family and many of my trusted friends, I decided to accept the offer.

Immediately, I began making plans to make that happen, adjusting flight schedules, staying longer in Sacramento in order to attend a required orientation that is only offered once a month, looking at dozens of apartments online and in person and selecting one of the many options. I flew to St. Louis where I spent the next few days packing up my room, choosing what I could stuff in my car, what could easily be shipped, and what had to be left behind. I spent time with my parents, even squeezing in time to go to the zoo and enjoy some good meals together.

Three weeks ago today, I began a 2,000 mile journey to Sacramento, CA with my dog in the passenger seat and most of my possessions in the back. This 4 day drive would prove to be one of the greatest adventures of my life to date and, in a sense, a rite of passage. At times I still can hardly believe I have actually MOVED here. It seems like a long working trip or something. But, here I am. Living in California.

So, why California?

Well, there are a few reasons.

1) Timing. The three(ish) months I spent in St. Louis were good in some ways, but were very hard in others. I was feeling very purposeless and, as a result, very unhappy. For goodness sake, I hadn't even been able to find a part-time job as I had hoped. Sitting around the house, snowed in much of the time, took its toll on me. I missed being with friends, I missed being productive (surprisingly enough) and most of all I missed being involved in things that actually matter. Hospital chaplaincy, while very tiring and taxing in many ways, is also very life-giving to me. I feel as if I am doing some amount of good and am actively working toward the reconciliation I know God desires to bring about in our broken world. Every other offer I received would have started in the summer (late May and early June) and the summer would have been an unpaid internship. Instead, I got to start immediately doing what I love and I get paid for all of it. Pretty good (and rare) deal if you ask me.

2) Diversity. I have done all of my training in hospital chaplaincy in Texas. Furthermore, I have spent much of my life in the Bible Belt and all of it in the South. In order to become a more well-rounded chaplain, I know I need to have a wide variety of experiences. That means, I need to work with a wide variety of people. Sacramento is not only out of the south and Bible Belt, it is (from what I have heard) considered the most integrated city in the country. So, not only is it diverse, but it is integrated. (Totally different from my minimal exposure to diversity where there is clear separation.) I have been overwhelmed by the diversity. Every time I go into Target or Wal-Mart or, really, anywhere, I hear at LEAST four or five languages being spoken. I frequently see people dressed in traditional Indian or African clothing or Muslims and Sikhs wearing their distinctive garments. It is amazing and beautiful and I am excited to learn even more about the wide variety of people in our country and how I can better minister to them.

3) Personal Growth. In my past, I have had trouble being my own person. That sounds weird, but it is a very true description, and it is true in many ways. I feel like I need to continue exploring who I am, who God has created me to be, including both my strengths and growth areas. I have often let my relationships with other people (both individuals and groups) define me, for better and worse. It is time for me to find confidence in myself not because of the relationships I am in, but because God created me in God's image and calls me good. So, while I have had many people tell me that I have been incredibly brave to move to a town where I literally knew no one, I think that, at least in part, I moved in order to become brave. To become confident in the woman God created me to be, so that I can more healthily and fully engage in the relationships that I so highly value.

4) Why not? I have loved California every time I have visited. The weather is great and it's beautiful - even the weeds here are pretty! I am about an hour away from San Francisco (and the beach), about 1 1/2 hours away from the mountains in Lake Tahoe, and about an hour from Napa Valley. How many times have I heard people say they wish they had done something adventurous when they were young? I'm young and single and if I am ever going to do something like this, now is the time.

So there you have it. That is the whirlwind that brought me here to Sacramento, California. It has been chaotic and crazy, but it has also been a time full of much thought and intentionality. Now it's time to make the most of it.

What's next?

2011-01-29T21:28:00.000-08:00

Good question! I don't have a great answer to that FAQ, but I do have a general idea what my future will (hopefully!) look like. So, for all of you who are wondering...

My plan is to become a certified hospital chaplain. To do this, I had to complete my Master of Divinity, which I did in December 2010. It's official now - I received my diploma in the mail yesterday! Woo hoo! In addition, I have to participate in at least one year long residency at a hospital in their Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) program.

When I realized that my future rent will be 2-4 times as expensive as it has been in Abilene (not to mention bills!), I decided it would be best to move in with my parents for a few months to save some money. So on January 1, 2011 I stuffed my trusty Honda Civic to the gills with my last load of belongings and made the trek to my new home in St. Louis.

I have been laboring (too?) long and hard over my application and plan to send it off this Monday in hopes that someone, anyone, will ask me to join their residency cohort. I plan to send it to 3 hospitals in California (LA, San Francisco, and Sacramento), 3 in New York City, 2 in St. Louis, and 1 in Chicago and perhaps a couple more just in case.

Mostly I am thrilled and excited for a new chapter of my life to begin. But to be honest, this time of limbo has been fairly stressful and I often find myself paralyzed by the fear that it won't work out and no one will hire me. Now let me be clear - the rational side of me doesn't think that will actually happen, but fears are not always rational are they? I am hoping that the moment I send off my application will be a moment of relief. I am pretty sure my fears of rejection have made me place far too much importance on my application which has led me to feel it needs to be absolutely flawless which has increased my stress which has intensified my fears of rejection which... Yes, I know it's a crazy cycle. After I press "send" on my emails and drop my application packets in the mailbox (I hope to find one that will make a terrific thud), there will be nothing else I can do but wait. Here's hoping that helps ease the burden to some degree.

So in very general terms, that is "what's next" in my life.

I have also had several people ask about CPE and the residency and even about hospital chaplaincy in general. Looks like I have my next few blog topics lined up already...

My Abilene Bucket List

2010-11-28T07:43:00.000-08:00

I have compiled a list of things to do before I leave Abilene. I have the next 34-40 days to complete all the things on this list and would LOVE for you to join me in crossing something(s) off the list! (Also, I am still accepting suggestions!) So...if something catches your fancy...or if you have never done one of the activities on the list before...leave a comment, message, or write on my wall and we will make a plan!

Go to the Zoo and feed the giraffes!
Frontier Texas
Feed the ducks/geese (if they haven't all flown away)
movie @ the Paramount
Eat at The Beehive
Eat at Lola's & Deutschlander's Catfish Co. in Buffalo Gap
The Water Spout (with Leslie?)
Eat sushi takeout from Bonsai at the Mahfood's house
Go to Cypress Street Station with friends
Game Night with friends
Get coffee with various friends

Rachel Brown
Kelsey Evans

Go for a walk around ACU's campus
Go to Mary's Palataria
Eat at Harold's
Eat at The Pizza House in Clyde

Laura's reactions to the 2010 American Music Awards performances

2010-11-21T23:56:00.000-08:00

I have a weakness for pop music and music awards shows.

Here are my relatively short responses to the many performances.

Rihanna: The dramatic nose dive into the floor was the best executed part of her performance. I love her music; it is quite catchy. She just hasn't quite perfected singing live.
Enrique Iglesias: Did anyone else see when the words his lips formed didn't match the words my ears heard? That laugh was the only redeeming part of this performance. Well, that and his good looks.
Blackeyed Peas: Congratulations to the guy with the mohawk - he finally got a (brief) moment to shine. But...the guy with the long hair didn't sing at all, did he? (Notice I don't know either of their names...but I know Fergie and Will.I.Am)
P. Diddy's new trio: The rapping seemed forced...but those ladies can sing!
Miley Cyrus - Boring. Neither a train wreck or anything special.
Kid Rock: Sappy ballad with cheesy background pictures. Strangely, he was one of the only ones (the only one?) who had a pitch perfect performance
Katy Perry: Vastly overrated. Am I the only one who notices she can neither sing or dance?
Justin Bieber: Hello, puberty! Yeah, I'm pretty sure his voice cracked multiple times. What was up with the crazy necklaces? Also, I think I saw him lip-singing a little bit at the end. (A word on his acceptance speech: a town of 30,000 is not the smallest town in the world. I'm just sayin'.) (A word on his second acceptance speech: With all due respect (to Michael Jackson, not you Justin!), I am pretty sure you might be overestimating Michael Jackson's influence just a teeny tiny bit.)
Bon Jovi: Please stick to singing your old songs - then we are all singing loud enough to drown you out. It's nothing personal, you're just getting old. Also, when singing old songs, ending it a different way than usual will result in an awkward moment where the crowd almost drowns you out with the original ending.
Pink: Thank you for having a sense of humor...and butchering the ending of your song...all while pregnant.
Ne-Yo: You are so very smooth...but I was a little confused by the Broadway musical feel. That said, he can both sing and dance.
Taylor Swift: First, the straight hair and bangs makes you look much older...and a good bit like Hilary Duff. Second, this was a better performance than usual, but you still aren't very good at singing live. Third, never ever ever sample (and ruin) a song like "Apologize" again. Ever.
Christina Aguilera: You have an amazing voice and I love you for it. That is all.
(Aside: Rascal Flatts - you are starting to look ooold.)
Usher: You are quite the dancer. Sadly, you can't sing perfectly while dancing. I appreciate your willingness to change the melody or not sing at all to make it easier on your audience's ears.
(Aside: MUSE WON!!! I love them dearly.)
Train: What possessed you to wear those skin tight glitter pants? Also, please work on your stage presence - it is just...weird.
(Aside: Michael Buble, did you really call your fiance "Kid"? Yuck.)
Ke$ha: You are strange. I hate that your music is catchy because every fiber in my being wants to hate it. Your scantily clad blond mullet men will surely hunt me down in my nightmares. Creepy.
Santana: You still got it. Gavin Rossdale: Not so much.
NKOTB & BSB: Not the best vocal performance, but a fun walk down memory lane.

TV Tuesday on a Thursday

2010-07-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have such a wide variety of interests...truth be told, I love dancing (although only at home in front of my dog!) and I have enjoyed watching So You Think You Can Dance in the last year or two. I've especially enjoyed this season...there are few people that I don't really enjoy watching. But last night's show was closed by one of the most fun-to-watch performances I've seen on the show - a hip hop routine by Alex Wong (accompanied by the show's All-Star Twitch). The thing is, Alex Wong is trained in ballet...not hip hop. Last week fellow competitor Billy Bell also did hip hop and showed us that, really, not everyone can do it! It was obvious he was not cut out for it. This week, however, Alex Wong put on an exhilarating performance that seemed quite natural, actually. Between this performance and last week's (which the judges labeled the best performance on the show in all 7 seasons), Alex has quickly become one of my favorites this season.

You should take the time to watch this performance. Of course you might not like the music...but if you can't recognize the awesomeness of this routine...well...our friendship might be in question. :)

alex 9 @ Yahoo! Video

Freaky Friday

2010-06-25T12:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been far too long since I've blogged about anything. Why not start off slow with a Freaky Friday post? I know you've been dying to learn something strange about me.

If I ever see a trash bag on the side of the road, I always wonder if it contains a dead body and look carefully to see if that might be possible.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I blame it on my love and (excessive?) consumption of crime shows on TV. Between CSI, NCIS, and all 3 (soon to be 4) Law & Orders (not to mention any other TV shows or movies), it is no surprise that this would become a gut-reaction. If I move to a bigger city (which I almost certainly will) I wonder if this will become a bigger problem...or if I will actually spot one! Yikes...

American Idol...or The Princess Bride?

2010-03-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

I am sorry, but I can't resist posting this. This is my first attempt at identifying a doppleganger, but I think I'm spot on! Let it be known that I really liked Lilly Scott and think she was kicked off American Idol too early. Also, I love The Princess Bride. With that being said, I hope you enjoy and get a good laugh out of this.

health care reform according to craig ferguson

2010-03-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

“Now the story today, of course that everybody’s talking about, it’s a big story, is the health care reform bill….If you listen to the left it means free vegan candy for every single man, woman, and unicorn in America. And if you listen to the right it means we’ve been enslaved by socialist overlords and apple pie is now illegal. I don’t listen to either side. I’m too busy listening to Lady Gaga!”

Thank you, Craig Ferguson, for making me laugh yet again.

Jaeden and Buck

2010-01-27T21:27:00.000-08:00

Musical Monday on a Tuesday.

2010-01-19T08:29:00.000-08:00

I woke up with this song in my head. It's been one of my favorites since Fall of 2008. I enjoy this live recording of it although it isn't quite as haunting or dark as the recorded version, in my opinion, which I prefer. But it's the only video I could find and it's still awesome...so...this will suffice!

I do thoroughly enjoy Nickel Creek...
I hope you do as well.

"I Should've Known Better"

It's been a long time comin' and the cards were stacked.
It's been a long, hard road to hell and back.
Your love meant trouble from the day we met.

You won every hand, I lost every bet.

Now you'd think that I should've known better.

Now I think that I should've seen it come.

My heart sank when I read that letter.

It sank like a stone, it sank like a stone.

A cup of cold coffee, yesterday's mail.

A bad love like this is always bound to fail.

Your love meant trouble from the day we met.

If you want your things, they're on the front step.

Now you'd think that I should've known better.

Now I think that I should've seen it come.

My heart sank when I read that letter.

It sank like a stone, it sank like a stone.

All alone in my kitchen.

All alone in my head.

Somethings you can't take back, once they've been said.

I don't know what this love is for.

All I know is I don't want it anymore.

Now you'd think that I should've known better.

Now I think that I should've seen it come.

My heart sank when I read that letter.

It sank like a stone, it sank like a stone.

The Safety Zone

2010-01-03T14:20:00.000-08:00

Parents go to great lengths to teach children safety.

- Put your glass in the "safety zone" (at least that's what my parents called it) so it won't spill and break.

- Look both ways before crossing the street! If you are a child, hold someone's hand.

- Don't eat Halloween candy that is homemade or prepackaged.

- Put away your toys lest someone trip over them!

- Wear your helmet when you ride your bike. Wear all protective gear when you play sports.

- Stranger Danger! Don't talk to strangers...or associate with them at all, really. Don't take their candy, don't tell them your name or address, nothing.

Of course there are plenty other ways we learn to be safe as a child...but those are a select few. As we grow older, we learn more and more ways to protect ourselves. We learn the rules of driving, we buy insurance...auto, health, homeowners, flood, etc. We choose the best neighborhood we can afford with the best schools for our children, trying to shelter them from the evils of the world to the best of our ability.

So much of our time and energy is spent protecting our well being and preserving our material possessions.

As Christians it is important for us to be responsible with what we have given and use it wisely, not wasting it or essentially throwing it away. It would be foolish to do otherwise.

However, it seems we have become obsessed with our own security, making it a sort of idol that we seek over most (if not all) other things. We have reach the point where we do not even like thinking or talking about death because it is the epitome of insecurity. We don't really know what happens in death other than everything about our lives as we have known it is stripped away.

Our preoccupation with self-preservation has, not surprisingly, turned ourselves into incredibly self-centered people who try to distance ourselves as much as possible from the danger of the world.

The sad thing is, the dangerous places are the places most in need of grace and redemption. The dangerous places are the places where the love of Christ is desperately needed and, quite frankly, the places Jesus would probably be were he alive today.

What are we to do as Christians if not love those whom Jesus would love? And how can we love them if we do not even go where they are? And how can we love them if we are told (and believe!) we shouldn't even talk to them for fear of what might happen?

This isn't the most well-written or thought-out of blogs. But it is prompted by the events of the day. Today I got my first glimpse of domestic abuse. I am ashamed to admit that I considered not calling the police for fear of what might happen if they figured out I had reported it. I did call the police. Which, I suppose is a good first step. I can't stand by and watch someone get hurt without doing something about it. But isn't that the bare minimum? Isn't that something that most anyone, whether a Christian or not, should and probably would do? Making a phone call is a start, but it is only that. I am still protected by distance and anonymity. I am not really sure what this means for me...or even how to move past sheer good-doing to actual loving. But I know it is something that I really should think through - in fact, must think through if I am to take being a Christian seriously. This is where the rubber meets the road. It is time to step out of the safety zone and into the path of the cross.

"Theologians"

2009-12-14T16:03:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Wilson, for letting your love of Wilco rub off on me...

Theologians
They don't know nothing
About my soul
About my soul

I'm an ocean
An abyss in motion
Slow motion
Slow motion

Inlitterati lumen fidei
God is with us everyday
That illiterate light
Is with us every night

Theologians
That don't know nothing
About my soul
Oh they don't know

They thin my heart with little things
And my life with change
Oh in so many ways
I find more missing every day

Theologians

I'm going away
Where you will look for me
Where I'm going you cannot come

No one's ever gonna take my life from me
I lay it down
A ghost is born
A ghost is born
A ghost is born

I'm an ocean
I'm all emotion
I'm a cherry ghost
Cherry ghost

Hey I'm a cherry ghost
A cherry ghost

blurry smiles and clear sillyness

2009-12-09T11:57:00.000-08:00

"Rock and Roll"

2009-12-07T13:59:00.000-08:00

I love this song! It makes my day better every time I listen to it. Thank you, Naomi, for introducing me to Eric Hutchinson!! I normally include the lyrics...but to be honest I don't know most of them...it's the music that I love.

body...water (?!)

2009-12-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this might be getting a little personal...but it is odd and therefore falls under the "freaky friday" category.

I believe I both sweat and cry more than the average person. What I have noticed in these many times of sweating and crying is that one side of my body seems to produce more...water (?!)...than the other. My right side, to be precise.

The sweating part is kind of gross, but sadly true.
Please don't try to look and see for yourself next time we're around each other. I would know exactly what you're doing and it would make me uncomfortable and incredibly self-conscious! :)

If I am just sort of crying, I might have tears in both eyes, but at least 5 tears will fall from my right eye for every 1 from my left eye. Sometimes no tears will fall at all from my left eye. Isn't that strange?! Of course they will fall equally if I am really boo-hooing.

Well, I think I've divulged more than enough about myself for today.

Thankful Thursday

2009-12-03T12:28:00.000-08:00

today i am thankful for:
- snow! i got to run around in it a bit and throw a couple snowballs before i ran back into my warm house.
- music. i have listened to a lot of music lately and it always makes my life better.
- my friends in grad school. i am already getting sad about the next wave of friends who will be leaving between now and may. the last 2 1/2 years of my life have been tough in many ways, but i have been so blessed by my friends from school. okay...enough of that...i can't start crying about it yet!
- Tazo Awake tea. i think i'm an addict.
- Jaeden. she knows how to welcome a person home! her "circle wag" makes me smile every time.
- words of encouragement and blessing. i really value hearing such words and i believe they have a transforming power in my life. i hope i can bless others in the same way with my words.
- my pink coat. which makes me think of Dr. Thompson. which makes me think of my mentor group. Dr. Thompson, Keith, Jason, Nick, Heather, and Naomi...oh, how I miss our time together. again...no tears today!
- white chocolate covered cranberries. delicious. and very holidayish in my opinion.
- my students. i am happy for the semester to be over, but am kind of sad about not seeing them every week!
- inside jokes. i hate that they can potentially exclude some people...but i love them. they make me feel very happy. that sounds cheesy...but oh well. i think it just makes me enjoy the special friendship i have with that person/those people.
- The Big Bang Theory. great show! it makes me laugh really hard sometimes.
- the Advent service tonight. i am really looking forward to it! and we will sing "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" which is one of my favorite Christmas songs...perhaps even my absolute favorite...i'll have to think about that a little more before i completely commit. :)

Dr. Thompson wearing my pink coat! Seriously one of the best moments of my life.

2009-12-02T13:23:00.000-08:00

"Say"

2009-11-30T20:10:00.000-08:00

What a great song! Ryan Tedder, you make me swoon! You can serenade me anytime you'd like.

"Say (All I Need)"

by OneRepublic

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know where the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

The Vocal Stylings of Adele

2009-11-23T07:01:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with this song in my head. Thanks, Bob Dylan for a great song...but I'd listen to Adele's voice over yours any day! :)

"Make You Feel My Love"

written by Bob Dylan; performed by Adele

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love.

Marc Chagall - "Creation"

2009-11-18T11:44:00.000-08:00

"Free"

2009-11-16T12:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I can't find a video with this song, so you'll have to look it up on your own. Thanks to Naomi for playing it yesterday on the way back from Eastland...I hadn't heard this song in years, and it (like many others songs) is cheesy in a way, but some of these words are quite fitting for my life these days.

"Free" by Ginny Owens

Turnin' molehills into mountains
Makin' big deals out of small ones
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens
This is how it's been
Afraid of coming out of my shell
Too many things I can't do too well
Afraid I'll try real hard
And I'll fail
This is how it's been
Till the day You pounded on my heart's door
And You shouted joyfully
You're not a slave anymore!

You're free to dance
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing
Even joyful noise is music to Me
You're free to love
'Cause I've given you My love
And it's made you free
I have set you free!

My mind finds hard to believe
That You became humanity and
Changed the course of history
Because You loved us so
And my heart cannot understand
How You accept me as I am
But You say You've always had a plan
And that's all I need to know
So when I am consumed
With what the world will say
Then You're singing to me, as You remove
my chains

Free from worry
Free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile

Thankful Thursday

2009-11-12T21:33:00.000-08:00

today i am thankful for...
- getting to hug Heather!!! : ) as i told someone earlier, when i see her, everything is right in the world! yay for best friends!
- fall...the leaves are actually quite colorful this year in Abilene.
- my freshmen students...i LOVE listening to them think through who Jesus is and what he would be doing were he alive today
- Taco Bell's Crunchwrap Supremes (with fire sauce, of course)
- listening to Nick pray...oh, how i have missed that!
- my mentor groups - past and present.
- Jaeden...i have had her just a little over a year now and she is wonderful!
- my radiator. it keeps me warm and i like to call it a "fireplace"...close enough...ha!
- my friends who are coming to Eastland with me on Sunday!
- driving around the loop twice with Naomi just to sing to fun music! she is SO great and i have missed hanging out with her!
- my parents...who take the call to imitate Christ more seriously than most people i know...no matter what the consequences
- Betty Tidwell...visiting her and her husband every day this summer changed my life...they became like grandparents and i will always remember them. i found out on Tuesday that she passed away...and i am thankful for the confidence that God will provide.

This starfruit wasn't nearly as tasty as the one I picked off the tree in Brazil...but I was in California and too sunburned to care!

2009-11-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

"Many the Miles"

2009-11-02T20:34:00.000-08:00

This song put a smile on my face this evening. Thank you, Sara. It was much needed!
Enjoy!

"Many the Miles"
by Sara Bareilles

There's too many things that I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets I haven't seen
You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
You would've thought by now, I'd have learned something

I made up my mind when I was a young girl
I've been given this one world, I won't worry it away, no
But now and again I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light But then Love comes in

How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, but send me the miles

And I'll be happy to follow you, Love

I do what I can wherever I end up
To keep giving my good love and spreading it around
Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry and I'm better for that, sing

How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, send me the miles

And I'll be happy to

Red letter day and I'm in a blue mood
Wishing that blue would just carry me away
I've been talking to God don't know if it's helping or not
But surely something has got to got to got to give
'Cause I can't keep waiting to live

How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, but send me the miles

and I'll be happy to yeah

How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles, many the miles
Oh send me the miles and I'll be happy to
Follow you Love

There's too many things I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets I haven't seen

With what shall I stir my coffee?

2009-10-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

Easy enough question, right? Wrong!

I absolutely despise these wooden stirrers they have come up with.

What was wrong with the little red plastic stirrers? They were cute and colorful, often sporting the classy white stripes down the side. They cut through the coffee with ease, mixing together the delicious concoction of bitter coffee and sugary creamer (ideally hazelnut and vanilla creamers) into one beautifully balanced beverage. After adequately stirring the coffee comes the treat of licking the stirrer. This is very much like the experience of licking the beaters after making cookie dough - it seems extra-sweet, it is a foretaste of the glorious treat you are about to savor, and the whole experience just isn't the same without it.

Now, if I use one of those wooden stirrers, I unconsciously go for the lick and get the disgusting taste of wood stuck in my mouth. From that point on, the whole experience has been ruined and, in fact, my entire cup of coffee tastes like the detested wooden stirrer. (That is, of course, unless I am involved in an enthralling conversation which makes me forget about the much-hated wooden taste.)

Anyway. The point is, I hate wooden stirrers.
If, wooden stirrers are offered, I will look for anything else to use in its place.
My first choice would, of course, be the plastic stirrer.
If, however, that is not available, I would then search for a plastic knife, then a plastic spoon (I would choose a knife over a spoon because they are longer and I would be less likely to get my fingers wet while stirring), then a regular straw, then a plastic fork. (I am not sure why I would choose a straw over a plastic fork...I just would.) If none of these objects are offered alongside the wooden stirrers I would undoubtedly search for a better option. And, if no replacement were to be found, I would either not stir my coffee at all or I would stir it with a wooden stirrer and mentally grumble about it with every sip.

It is very strange how much I dislike wooden stirrers...

catching up...

2009-10-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

I was doing so well writing regularly...until my computer decided it would take a permanent vacation. Of course it selected the best time to pick - right before two weekend courses (2 consecutive weekends packed full of 40 (total) intense hours of lecturing and learning) not to mention my other classes, my notes from earlier in the semester, posts I needed to write, and presentations for which I needed to prepare. But, then again, do these things ever happen at a convenient time?

At any rate, that is all to let all two of my faithful readers know why I seemed to have disappeared over the last couple of weeks. There has been a LOT that has happened.

Here is a quick, brief run-down of the last few weeks' highlights:
- my first dining experience at Taco Cabana (accompanied by Chai, Jordan, James, and Wilson)
- three trips to Dallas - one for the Muse/U2 concert, one for a weekend course on the book of Job, one for the MuteMath concert
- I left Jaeden alone in my house while I went out of town...she was alone inside for almost 12 hours and I am pretty sure all she did was sleep (although I think she slept on my side of the bed...)
- I discovered Jaeden's love for candy corn...she goes nuts for it!
- the GST Talent Show which took place tonight
- my parents came into town for a few days. it was wonderful visiting with them. while they were here we went to several restaurants that are new in Abilene: Bonzai (mmm...sushi!), Little Italy (sausage calzone and stromboli!), and The Beehive (perhaps the best Filet Mignon I've ever had)
- I saw Law Abiding Citizen and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince last week
- Mom and Dad bought me a new computer - let's face it, it's difficult for a graduate student to make it without a laptop. It's been really nice - it's an HP with Windows 7.
- at this point, my ears have been ringing for 24 hours since the MuteMath concert last night. I enjoy their CDs, but they are amazing in concert! I wonder when I should start being concerned about damage to my ear drums...

Well, there ya have it. Certainly there are many things that have been left off the list or momentarily forgotten. But, these are some of the highlights I could think of off the top of my head.

Now that we're caught up and I have a fully functioning laptop, let's get back on schedule, shall we?

The Muse/U2 Experience

2009-10-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

Last Monday I got to go to the Muse and U2 concert with some of my friends.
It was an incredible show and was a fun, adventurous bonding experience for us.
The night included:
- a 3 hour drive with new friends
- changing seats 4 times
- a rocking, pitch-perfect performance by Muse
- very drunk people behind us who were trying to dance
- a near-death experience for Nathan because a couple of those drunk people fell on us
- my purse and jacket soaked with their beer; a lack of pizza and hot pretzels
- $6 Mt. Dews
- the whole crowd singing "Amazing Grace" with Bono which led into "Where the Streets Have No Name"
- "Sunday Bloody Sunday"
- several posed pictures
- observing many interesting people
- a ridiculous amount of fog on the long, sleepy drive home
- the awesome guy at McDonald's and the delicious, hot fries
- the Mach 5 laughing experience which quickly led to the great bathroom search
- and, finally, Brian and Nathan shimmying and otherwise dancing to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" at 3:20am

Here is a video of one of my favorite Muse songs. Enjoy!
I would also encourage you to search for U2's "Amazing Grace/Where the Streets Have No Name" and "Sunday Bloody Sunday" on youtube.

Mr. Columbus

2009-10-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

Happy Columbus Day! Here's a fun song by Grace Potter & the Nocturnals to set the mood for the day.

a most beautiful dedication

2009-10-03T09:19:00.000-07:00

For my class History of Christianity in America, I am writing a paper on the history of theology of death and dying. After I pulled close to 80 books off the library shelves, I began sifting through them and weeding out those I knew would not be helpful. I came across the book A Study of Death by Henry Mills Alden and, while looking for the table of contents, I was distracted by the dedication. I ran across it again today and decided, while lengthy, it is beautiful enough to share.

To My Beloved Wife

My earliest written expression of intimate thought or cherished fancy was for your eyes only; it was my first approach to your maidenly heart, a mystical wooing, which neglected no resource, near or remote, for the enhancement of its charm, and so involved all other mystery in its own.

In you childhood has been inviolate, never losing its power of leading me by an unspoken invocation to a green field, ever kept fresh by a living fountain, where the Shepherd tends his flock. Now, through a body racked with pain and sadly broken, still shines this unbroken childhood, teaching me Love's deepest mystery.

It is fitting, then, that I should dedicate to you this book touching that mystery. It has been written in the shadow, but illumined by the brightness of an angel's face seen in the darkness, so that it has seemed easy and natural for me to find at the thorn's heart a secret and everlasting sweetness far surpassing that of the rose itself, which ceases in its own perfection.

Whether that angel we have seen shall, for my need and comfort and for your own longing, hold back his greatest gift, and leave you mine in the earthly ways we know and love, or shall hasten to make the heavenly surprise, the issue in either event will be a home-coming: if here, yet already the deeper secret will have been in part disclosed; and if beyond, that secret, fully known, will not betray the fondest hope of loving hearts. Love never denied Death, and Death will not deny Love.

H.M.A.

want a bite of ice cream?

2009-10-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

Last week my brother Keith came all the way from Tennessee to visit me in Texas. Well, he was primarily here to attend the Summit lectures...but we were able to spend some quality brother-sister time together. Of course, we had to go to Rick & Carolyn's Burgers and Fries. Why? Because it is delicious. And because we frequent(ed) it enough to know the owner who always asks me how Keith is doing.

Anyway, one of the great things about Rick & Carolyn's is you get free ice cream if you buy a combo. While the previous day would have been perfect weather for an ice cream cone (95 degrees), the high had dropped to the mid 60s and I knew eating ice cream would be more painful than enjoyable for me. However, Keith couldn't resist. As he sat down with his ice cream cone, I realized another of my "things".

I hate biting into ice cream. And, perhaps even more, I hate watching people bite ice cream.

If you're eating a cone, you lick it. First, it last longer therefore you can enjoy it longer. Second, it's a socially acceptable way to feel like a kid and it's important to take as many of those opportunities as you can.
If you're eating it with a spoon, you use your lips or tongue to get it off the spoon, not your teeth.

That's actually another one of my "things"...I can't stand teeth on silverware. Okay, "can't stand" is stating it a bit too strongly, but it has the same affect as hearing nails on a chalkboard. *Shiver!*

Well, I suppose that's two for the price of one this week. Lucky you!

Thankful Thursday

2009-10-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

Today I'm thankful for:
- the huge Halloween blow-up things in people's yards - they freak me out and make me laugh all at once

- the affirmation and compliments my group and I received regarding chapel yesterday

- my pumpkin candle

- the courage to step outside my comfort zone

- Naomi's "adopt the animals" story - I haven't laughed that hard in a long time

- various objects with which I can kill spiders in my house. my weapon of choice tonight: hammer

- my students - they have great thoughts and questions and I love witnessing "a-ha!" moments

- good, entertaining TV

- Jordan Wesley - she has such a wonderful personality and I love the laughs we share

i'm getting excited about carving pumpkins again! this is the one i carved last year...

2009-09-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

"only with careful hands..."

2009-09-28T17:41:00.000-07:00

I have been reminded today of my love of Sleeping at Last. Their music is beautiful and lyrics are compelling as well as thought-provoking. I could say a lot more, but I will just let the song speak for itself. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Here is a link to a live performance followed by the lyrics.
Sleeping at Last - "Careful Hands"

Put your coat on, this city trembles.
Keep your chin up, as you untangle God
From cold blood and bruises.

We are X-rays of something broken.
Cursive bloodlines write every forecast:
An orchestration Of dissonance and innocent surrender.

When our color dies,
We will bury the ashes of time,
And we will earn new eyes.

Wrists get tired rewriting futures.
Our bodies beg us to be creatures of habit.
We are creatures of habit.

Only with careful hands
We'll turn their fangs into feathers and cures.
Only with careful hands
We'll divide the prisoner
From the pioneer.

Clever beauty,
Umbrellas folding.
In architecture, our lines will measure
A map to find us.
Blue ink will guide us home.

Cranes are creeping, lifting metal,
We will find new ways to settle,
Tipping scales from the killer to its prey.

I can feel the weight around us,
Climbing every rib inside us,
A sanctuary in a lion's mouth.

---

From the Album Keep No Score
All Lyrics Copyright 2006, Sleeping At Last

From The Official Sleeping at Last Website

Thankful Thursday

2009-09-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

Today I'm thankful for:
- candy corn
- the Hebrew language
- professors like Rodney Ashlock and Randy Harris who trust me to teach their students
- time spent in relaxation and good conversation with my brother, Keith
- sausage calzones
- Nathan, Amanda, and David - my wonderful chapel planning group
- my umbrella that matches Olivia's and Heather's
- Jaeden, who is currently using my foot as a pillow while she dozes

Again, I invite you to join me in the intentional practice of thanksgiving!

i have loved this picture for several years now

2009-09-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

mmm...food!

2009-09-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

As long as I can remember, I've always loved food. In middle school, high school and early college I prided myself on being able to eat as much as the boys...and occasionally even more! But, more than I loved how much I could eat, I loved tasting new flavors and new flavor combinations.

My dad has undoubtedly influenced me in my love for food. Anyone who knows Dad has heard him recommend "the best" restaurant in town, tell stories of "the best" meals he has eaten while traveling, or, if you've eaten with him, it's likely you've heard his exclamations about how delicious the food tastes - perhaps it's the best he has ever had (this isn't as rare of a statement as one might expect).

Now, you might assume that I cook regularly because of my love for food. But I don't. It's not that I don't enjoy cooking - in fact, I quite enjoy it. The reasons I don't cook are four-fold:
1) I don't like cleaning up the mess I make.
2) Part of the food experience is sharing the end result with others...being single, this doesn't happen often.
3) Cooking can be expensive and I'm relatively poor.
4) I am in graduate school and am far too busy to cook on a regular basis.

As a result, I depend on TV to provide my "fix" of the cooking experience. I love shows like Top Chef, Iron Chef America, and Dinner: Impossible. Even though the experience is quite weakened due to the lack of smell, touch, and taste, I love every bit of these shows. I love learning about ingredients, knowing what words like "julienne" and "ceviche" mean, and seeing how these creative chefs use their imaginations to create a brilliant dish I could never come up with in my wildest dreams. Seriously, every time I watch these shows I want to cook...or at least eat something! (This has turned out to be a bit dangerous for the waist-line!)

Who knows...perhaps I've missed my calling to go to culinary school and become a professional chef. However, I prefer to think that I can keep it on the side as a sort of muse. Perhaps then, it can stay fresh and exciting for me, always leaving me wanting more.

"Freaky Friday"

2009-09-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

Freaky Friday was conceived as a way for Naomi to talk about her "things" that she has. You know, those wonderful little quirks that make her Naomi. I decided to join in the fun. I really wanted to write about Naomi's quirks as well, but decided it would be better to just talk about my own.

I'm not feeling too creative today and I'm pretty tired (seeing as it's actually Saturday now) so I'll start with something that is quite freaky, but many people know about since it is my fall back "weird" thing about myself.

I have 3 freckles/moles on the back of my left eyeball.

How did I find that out, you ask? (everyone does)
Either the optometrist or ophthalmologist found it when I was very little.
My parents had to wait over the weekend to hear whether the doctors thought it was melanoma or not. Thankfully it wasn't. And thankfully they came to that conclusion without taking my eye out to do a biopsy.

There you go. I promise - next week will be more interesting.

"Thankful Thursday"

2009-09-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

Lately Naomi and I have been teasing each other about not blogging consistently. We were thinking about various "themes" we have enjoyed in the past - her "Wordless Wednesday" and my sister(-in-law)'s "Thankful Thursday". So, get ready...because we're about to blog more often...and it all starts tonight!

Today, I'm thankful for:
- Naomi, who managed to bring happiness and laughter into what had been a tough day
- Jaeden, who groans and wags her tail in a circle when she's particularly happy
- Arby's chicken, bacon & swiss sandwich; it's one of my comfort foods
- the new friends that come with the start of a new school year
- sushi; the Spider Roll at Bonzai was delicious last night!
- the men at ACU who are willing to respectfully and compassionately listen and talk regarding gender equality/justice and want to discuss how to move from theory to practice

Well...I think I'll stop there for today.
Remember, you can always share what you're thankful for in the comment section! (hint hint, nudge nudge) :)

Remembering

2009-07-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

This summer has been incredibly formative. While most patient information is private and I'm not legally allowed to share anything about my experiences with my patients, these have been made public, therefore I can share.

Here are links to the obituaries of (some of) the people who died while I was on call or I had visited with before they died in the last 10 weeks. I spent many hours with all of their families. The purpose of this post is to remember and honor them, their families, and the rest of my patients I can't name. They have all had profound effects on me.

Jesus "Chuey" Garcia
Malinda Calhoun
Billy Petitt
Evelyn Scott
Larry Moore
Vernon Paul
Nona Bachus
Helen Cox
Marshall Woodson
Purda Wilson
Neomia Rice
John Polk
Michael Rains
Rustin Alvarez
Linda Blanton
Jesus "Chuy" Martin
Concha Cerda
Rudene Watson
this was perhaps the hardest one:
Rustin Boswell

I am thankful for the hope we have in God whose love and grace are far beyond our comprehension.

The Gift

2009-07-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

“While Jesus was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head. Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, “Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year’s wages and the money given to the poor.” And they rebuked her harshly. “Leave her alone,” said Jesus. “Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me….She did what she could….Truly I tell you, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.”

Whenever I hear this story, I marvel at the bravery of this unnamed woman.

This woman had the guts to bring her gift to Jesus. While she might have wondered what the onlookers would have thought, she didn’t seem to question Jesus’ acceptance of her gift.

Perhaps you think like I do. I often wonder how other people will perceive my actions. I wonder if they will rebuke me for my gift, seeing ways in which I could have accomplished more or helped more people. But, I don’t stop there. When I think of the gifts I have, they seem wimpy compared either to what I truly desire to bring or to the gifts of the people around me. And so I back away. I stay hidden in the corners of the room, protecting myself from what others might think and from the possibility of Jesus rejecting me and my gift.

But, when I read this story I am reminded that, while my fears of other people might be well-founded, my fears of Jesus are completely unfounded. Jesus, the real Jesus, would never reject a gift no matter how rash or small or flawed it seems to be. Jesus doesn’t look so much at the gift itself, but at the loving heart of the person brave enough to bring it. And that loving, giving heart is what Jesus desires most.

I’d like to invite you to think about the gifts you are withholding. Whether you are afraid of rejection by other people or by Jesus, I like to encourage you to be bold and offer your gift, not worrying about what others might think, and knowing with certainty that Jesus will accept you and your gift gladly.

Christ At Work

2009-07-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

It is easy to be overwhelmed by the calling to be a Christian. After all, being a Christian requires you to be more than just a good person by the world’s standards, it requires you to go even further. When someone slaps you on the face, you not only keep your cool, but you don’t retaliate. When you come across a stranger in the road who has been hurt, you don’t just ask how he’s doing, you go out of your way to take him to the hospital and pay for all the expenses. Following Jesus require a lot of us and Paul clearly knows that in Colossians 1. He uses dramatic, big language to remind the Christians in Colossae of their calling to be “live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way.” That phrase alone is enough to scare me. I have to please the Lord in every way? And he goes further with the phrases “bearing fruit in every good work,” “having great endurance and patience,” “being filled with knowledge, wisdom and understanding.” And I read this prayer of Paul and I really wish he wasn’t praying with such big, all-encompassing language, because it leaves a lot for me to live up to.

But Paul does not leave the Colossians or me wondering how on earth we are going to fill such a tall order. Instead, Paul uses what was probably a familiar hymn at that time to explain.

The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church, he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

And after this hymn, I imagine the Colossians breathing a sigh of relief…I know that’s my reaction. Because I realize that, if left to my own devices I would never be able to fully live the life of a Christian; instead, Jesus has already accomplished these things. He holds all power, and is completely sovereign and supreme over all. It is this same Jesus who is working in and through his people, and with His help, even the impossible transformations are possible.

May we all hold onto this hope we have in the mighty power of Christ who is at work within us bringing about incredible transformation.

The Singing God

2009-07-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

For the most part, I have a terrible memory when it comes to my childhood. It’s difficult for me to recall certain family activities or games my brother and I played together. But one thing that is absolutely burned into my memory is my nighttime ritual with my parents. While there were little things about it that varied from night to night, almost always my mom and dad would come in, tuck the covers snugly around me, and sing “The Cradle Song.” On special nights, my dad would sing his “Daddy Mix” which blended together many different songs about Jesus – “Jesus Loves Me,” “Jesus Loves the Little Children,” “Jesus Is With Me All Day Long.”

From the time I was an infant until now, my sound of my parents’ voices singing is very comforting to me. They don’t have the best sounding voices and they never sang with great technical skill, but the sound of their voices puts me at ease in a way little else can. It reminds me that I am safe and I am loved, no matter what else is happening in my life.

Perhaps my story has brought some fond memories into your mind. Times when your parents sang lovingly over you. Or perhaps your closest memory is one of singing to your own child or grandchild. Expressing your love for them through a beautiful melody. Maybe a specific song has spoken to you over the years, nourishing your soul, making you feel safe and loved.

One of my favorite verses is Zephaniah 3:16, 17.

"Do not fear, O Zion;
do not let your hands hang limp.
17 The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

I love the language of this passage. God is not just hovering over me detached and uncaring. God is saving, full of delight, generous with his love, and singing a joyful song over me, and over you. Perhaps this is exactly what you need. In a time of trouble, confusion, and fear you need a reminder that God loves you deeply and you need to listen closely and hear God’s voice sweetly singing in your ear a song of love and peace. Or maybe in a time of plenty you need to hear this song of love again so that you do not forget that this loving God is your source of life and love.

May you be blessed as God’s song of love and joy fills your ears and heart throughout the day.

Be Still and Know that I Am God

2009-07-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

Take a moment to think of all the different people in this hospital at this very moment. Many of us are here as patients. Some have come in for a routine visit and others have come in from an unexpected crisis. Many of us are here to work: CEOs, nurses, housekeepers, clerks, physicians, chefs, volunteers, social workers, secretaries, and the list goes on. There are hundreds of us all present in one building, and we are all very different from one another.

Yet in spite of our differences, we each share a common bond because we have all been through trying times at some point in our lives. Perhaps a difficult time is on the horizon and you see it coming like a storm front. Maybe you’re in the thick of the storm, feeling battered by the wind, skin stinging from the rain pelting down on you. Or maybe you have weathered the storm and are enjoying the green grass and blue sky.

Whatever situation we might find ourselves in, we can hear the words of Psalm 46 and can fully enter into the world it depicts. A world that acknowledges the trying times yet presses on with hope for what will be.

Psalm 46
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

May we encourage one another to press on toward the hope we have in God, who is Almighty. And, whatever our life is like, may we each take a break from our busy lives simply to be still and know the Lord is God.

sorry for the break...

2009-07-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

I did devotionals again a few weeks ago, but the internet wasn't working that week so I'm just putting them up. If you have any comments or critiques, feel free to share.

Psalm 107:1 says, “Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.”
One of the first things we teach children to say is “Thank You.” As a child grows up, parents often prompt them by saying “Now, what do you say?” after they received a piece of candy, a compliment, a birthday present. As children grow, they tend to become more enthusiastic the better they perceive their gift to be.

One of our few home videos of when I was a child was from my brother’s fifth birthday party. He, of course say the obligatory “thank you”s after opening each gift. But nothing could have prepared us for what came after he open his gift from Patrick. Upon unveiling the dinosaur puzzle, Keith’s face lit up and began something like a mixture of yelling and singing “Thank you, Patrick! Thank you!” My family always bursts into laughter when we hear his little voice exclaim such great thanks over that dinosaur puzzle.

If only we could keep this intensely thankful spirit about us. But, as we all know, we become less and less impressed with the dinosaur puzzle before long. Perhaps our tastes have changed, perhaps we’re bored with the things that we used to love, or perhaps we no longer put so much importance on material things. Often, with age comes an understanding that it’s not the newest gadget that will evoke true thankfulness, rather it is the hug from a dear friend during a difficult time, quality time spent with family, or just the presence of a loved one.

Hopefully this is also true in our relationship with God. Hopefully we mature with age and, while we never stop thanking God for all the wonderful things God does for us, we move to a deeper thanksgiving. We thank God not for how God benefits us, but simply for being Himself. Because God is good. God is loving. And God’s goodness and love will never end.

Let us take today to not simply be thankful for what God has done for us, but for who God is.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

For He Is Good

2009-06-10T06:18:00.001-07:00

Psalm 107:1 - Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

One of the first things we teach children to say is “Thank You.” As a child grows up, parents often prompt them by saying “Now, what do you say?” after they received a piece of candy, a compliment, a birthday present. As children grow, they tend to become more enthusiastic the better they perceive their gift to be.

One of our few home videos of when I was a child was from my brother’s fifth birthday party. He, of course say the obligatory “thank you”s after opening each gift. But nothing could have prepared us for what came after he open his gift from Patrick. Upon unveiling the dinosaur puzzle, Keith’s face lit up and began something like a mixture of yelling and singing “Thank you, Patrick! Thank you!” My family always bursts into laughter when we hear his little voice exclaim such great thanks over that dinosaur puzzle.

If only we could keep this intensely thankful spirit about us. But, as we all know, we become less and less impressed with the dinosaur puzzle before long. Perhaps our tastes have changed, perhaps we’re bored with the things that we used to love, or perhaps we no longer put so much importance on material things. Often, with age comes an understanding that it’s not the newest gadget that will evoke true thankfulness, rather it is the hug from a dear friend during a difficult time, quality time spent with family, or just the presence of a loved one.

Hopefully this is also true in our relationship with God. Hopefully we mature with age and, while we never stop thanking God for all the wonderful things God does for us, we move to a deeper thanksgiving. We thank God not for how God benefits us, but simply for being Himself. Because God is good. God is loving. And God’s goodness and love will never end.

Let us take today to not simply be thankful for what God has done for us, but for who God is.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

Forgetful People

2009-06-09T06:54:00.001-07:00

We are a forgetful people. While we may be good at remembering phone numbers, or friends’ birthdays, or names of people we meet, we often forget something far more important. Our identity.

Usually we can remember our names, the names of our family members, where we work and things of that nature. But often we forget our much deeper identity – children of God.

Sometimes we choose to forget this identity. Difficult things come up in our lives and, in anger, we turn away from God. But often we forget simply because we don’t have things set up in our lives to remind us of who we are.

In Deuteronomy 6 God instructs the Israelites to follow the commands closely – to talk about them at all times – when walking, sitting or lying down – to write the laws on the doorframes of their houses and on their gates so that they would constantly be reminded of their identity – children of God.
In Exodus 12 the Israelites perform a special ceremony – the Passover – reminding them of their identity – children of God.
In Joshua 4 they set up stones as a monument, a symbol of their identity – children of God.

But, the Israelites often forgot their identity as the children of God – as a people who are in a covenant relationship with God. And God was fully aware of this, so God reminds them, “When the LORD your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.”

It should be no surprise that thousands of years later, we find ourselves encountering the same struggle. In difficult times we often forget God has acted on our behalf to provide the blessings that we do have. And in times of plenty, we forget that it was God, not us, who provided.

So, let us strive to remember our identities as people who were created by God, to love God and to live in obedience to God. Let us establish ways to remind ourselves of God’s faithfulness to us. Let us recount the stories of God’s action on our behalf. Let us gather our purpose and direction in life from our identity – children of God.

God With Us

2009-06-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you.” This is a line that is repeated throughout the entire Bible, from beginning to end. Sometimes repetition can become boring or monotonous, but it often indicates a growth area. We need to be reminded over and over of the things that we easily forget.

It is often difficult for people to remember the presence of God because God is intangible. We cannot see God. God does not extend a physical hand to us when we are troubled. Because of this, it is so easy for us to feel alone. And when we feel alone we often become afraid.

This can happen in many different circumstances. It can happen in the workplace, at home, between friends…in the hospital.

But it is in these times of loneliness and fear that the Spirit whispers the words “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.”

We often hear this in Psalm 23 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.”
And Isaiah 41:10 reminds us So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
And God fulfilled that promise tangibly through the life of Jesus – Immanuel – “God with us.”
And even though he was crucified, he rose again. And before he ascended into heaven he declared “I am with you always – even until the end of the age.”
And now through the church, all the people of God, we still experience the presence of God.

May we work today to bring the presence of God to one another.
And when we feel alone and afraid, may we remember God’s promise: “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.”

i write so that i might sleep.

2009-05-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a man die.

I was trying to go to sleep, but something compelled me to get up and write about this. I'm not really sure why...I don't have anything profound to say.

My experience wasn't completely foreign to me. I have been with people until just a couple hours before their death. I have been with vacant bodies of people who have just died. I have been with many people who were friends and family of the deceased.
So, I am no stranger to death...
...but never had I been in a room, eyes locked on a man as he breathed his last, hearing the doctor pronounce the time of death followed by the wails and sobs of the wife he left behind...until today.

Fifteen minutes later, a Father from a local Catholic church, shuffled awkwardly into the room expecting to give the Last Rites, but ultimately reading the Prayers for the Dead and the Lord's Prayer.

I spent 3 hours in that room.
One hour of waiting for the nurses to take out the respirator.
One minute between the time it was removed and the time he stopped breathing - 10:49am.
And two more hours in a room with a dead man, his grieving wife, and her daughter.

I want to write more because I want to have the answers for the hard questions that emerge in times such as these.
Instead, I will end with one of the Prayers for the Dead that the Father read today.

God our Father,
Your power brings us to birth,
Your providence guides our lives,
and by Your command we return to dust.

Lord, those who die still live in Your presence,
their lives change but do not end.
I pray in hope for my family,
relatives and friends,
and for all the dead known to You alone.

In company with Christ,
Who died and now lives,
may they rejoice in Your kingdom,
where all our tears are wiped away.
Unite us together again in one family,
to sing Your praise forever and ever.

Amen.

resurrection power

2009-04-09T12:55:00.001-07:00

I have not been to church on Wednesday night in a very long time. Last night, however, I went to Highland for a special all-church gathering they had planned. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but expected all of us to be in the auditorium together. So I was surprised when I walked in, picked up a little handout and discovered they had set up several rooms centered around different themes. One room had models of ancient tombs, one provided a time of confession, one encouraged families to pray together as Jesus had in the Garden of Gethsemane, etc.

The interesting thing about it all was that I went by myself. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but they had intentionally structured the evening so that it was no just an individual experience, but promoted community, particularly within families. My gut reaction was loneliness...but thankfully God did not allow me to stay there. I was bless with an evening full of watching parents lovingly and carefully tell the story of Jesus to their children. I watched as a little boy was shocked at how big the nails were that were driven into Jesus' hands and feet and saw how his parents helped him deal with the weight of it all. I watched parents draw a prayer with their two year old daugheter who at one point exclaimed, "Thank you, Jesus!" in the cutest little voice.

It is so easy to take our knowledge of this wondrous and weighty story for granted. We forget the horror of the crucifixion, because we already know how the story ends. We forget the joy of the resurrection, because it is expected.

Walking around alone wasn't too bad since I could get away with sitting or standing by myself in most of the rooms. However, I was really nervous when I came to the "Upper Room" where they had tables set up with elements from a traditional Passover meal. I was about to sit down at a table by myself when I noticed three women sitting at a table nearby and decided to join them instead. They were about to leave when I sat down and decided to stay until I was done so I wouldn't have to sit alone. Elaine, Ruby, and Amanda passed me all the food, told me how I was supposed to eat it, and explained to me the significance of each thing. Before we got up to leave, Elaine pointed out that we were supposed to say the Lord's Prayer together and she immediately reached out her hands to Ruby and Amanda. As the four of us joined hands and recited this ancient prayer together my eyes began to tear up. The power of the prayer was just as strong today as it was when it was first spoken. The prayer united four strangers together around a table. The prayer united us with all the other people in the building, most of whom I didn't even know. The prayer united all of us with disciples from years and years before us.

It was a blessed evening.
It was an evening where resurrection power was not merely talked about; it was anticipated, it was experienced.
I experienced the death of my own loneliness and the resurrection of a unity among believers.
I experienced the death of my own callousness to the story of Jesus and the resurrection of a soft heart.
I experienced the death of my own pain and the resurrection of the joy that is found only in Christ.

I hope to continue to identify the ways the death and resurrection of Christ take place within me until it is only Christ who lives in me.

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippians 3:10-12

sigh...I have so much growing to do

2009-04-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

I wrote this post almost two weeks ago and just haven't posted it until today. At long last, here it is...

I was sitting in Starbuck’s today working on a paper. I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation taking place at the next table.
It was an older man and woman – both of whom were single – who were discussing church. Neither of them seem incredibly happy about their current situation and mentioned that they didn’t even really know what they were looking for. The lady was describing her experience at a local church that specifically reaches out to the homeless and underprivileged. She expressed that she was disgusted by the fact that most people came just so they could get a free meal and in her 5 years there she never saw anyone change for the better. Less than 5 minutes later she was telling of her frustration with some programs at the church I suppose she is currently going to. She was frustrated that the men have a “Men’s Pancake Breakfast” and the women had “Afterglow.” She went on to say that the Men hear “pancakes” and get really excited and all want to go. For “Afterglow” the church should advertise that there is a meal involved – it would get peoples’ attention!
It blows my mind that she could criticize people (who are homeless and likely begging for food) for going to a church service just to get a free meal, and at the same time she could support the idea of women (who all probably have full refrigerators and freezers in their home) getting together and sharing a free meal.

I could not help but notice the incredible irony of what she was saying and the double standard she held so strongly. I am sure this lady is well-meaning. She seems innocent enough and I don’t think she was malicious in what she was saying. I don’t want to judge her, rather I want to use my observations about her as a way to challenge myself. In what ways do I criticize other people for something and then act as if it is perfectly acceptable if one of my friends or I do that very thing. It is incredibly difficult to recognize double standards within ourselves without someone else pointing them out or having an experience like this which makes me think long and hard about myself.

So, in the spirit of discovering and repenting of my double standards, I will go ahead and talk about another aspect of the conversation. At one point they were talking about what exactly they were looking for in a church. And I thought to myself that it sounded as if they were shopping for their ideal church. She wanted a praise team she enjoyed, people who were similar to her, programs that were available and attractive to both men and women… And in my mind I just sort of sadly laughed and thought “This is not at all what church is about. It is not about finding people who believe the same things as you…it is not about having your personal preferences met. It is about being with people who are different and choosing to love them and be unified with them because you are brothers and sisters in Christ.”

And now I think about where I go to church and why. I go to Highland church of Christ. As a church they decided that women should have more leadership roles in church than they have in the past. I have friends who go there and normally sit around people who are white and in the mid to upper socio-economic level. I usually sit with my friends and sometimes avoid people I might not want to talk to.

I do not think this means I need to leave Highland and go somewhere else…there are many wonderful reasons to go to Highland. But it does give me something to really think about…

can i just get a revelation, please?

2009-01-31T16:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get frustrated because there is no manual for the Christian life. Although the Bible is helpful in informing our decisions and actions, I do not believe it is a book of answers to all of our questions. I bring this up because last week I had an experience where I was left having no idea what was the "right" thing to do.

I have amazing parents. They love me and support me and are incredibly proud of me and make it a priority to tell me these things on a regular basis. I can talk to my parents about anything, especially theological issues/questions/problems that I am thinking about or struggling with. I probably feel safer talking about these things with my parents than with anyone else. Even if we have different opinions, we can respect one another and acknowledge that we are all constantly learning, growing and changing.

Last week some of my closest friends shared with me the dynamics of their relationships with their parents. All of us had very different experiences, but I was the only one who felt free to be myself and share my thoughts with my parents without fear of their reaction, particularly when it comes to God and ministry. This is tricky because all of us are going into theological studies/ministry and is very much an integral part of our lives. Most of them are afraid to talk about their views and beliefs because it will offend their parents.

When I heard this, I first was filled with the realization that I am blessed beyond measure. My second reaction was trying to figure out words of encouragement or advice to give them. Then I realized that I don't have an answer. I often struggle with the very same thing, but with different people. The most consistent and intense example of this is my involvement in ministry and theological study. In the church of Christ tradition, this is generally questioned and even looked down on. While I plan on staying within the Church of Christ tradition, I do disagree with this belief and hope to see change come in the future.

I believe this strongly and have come to this conclusion after a lot of theological discussion and critical thinking. I also feel strongly that this belief should change my actions, language, and even day-to-day interactions with others. But I do not believe it is right to force this belief on other people or even talk about it in a way that is hurtful and further divisive.

So things get really tricky when I go to my home church and people ask what I am going to do with my degree. They know my brother got the same degree and is now a preacher, but they're sure that can't be what I'm going to do and can't seem to fathom how I will be able to actually use my degree without entering into a sinful life (of course, not all people feel this way, but it is the majority). How do I respond? I believe that the direction I am headed is going to require me to be bold and stand for what I believe is true even when a lot of people don't understand and agree, but is this the right time to jump into that discussion? (By the way, I usually give an acceptable answer as my "tentative plan"...which is true, but is still a cop out.)

Also, how do you, as Paul says, be sensitive to those who don't hold the same beliefs (the "weaker brother" although I don't think this language communicates very well today) and at the same time not compromise what you believe in? It's difficult for me to balance this idea with Jesus' warning that we will have to deny our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, all who are close to us in order to follow Him. Is my desire not to "rock the boat" too hard more out of concern for the people I am in relationship with, or is it more driven by a desire to be liked and given approval?

In my opinion, our culture, particularly our generation, is a strange mix in this way. On the one hand we very much appreciate openness, honesty, and bluntness. At the same time, we are very concerned with people liking us and being the "cool" person that everyone likes and who doesn't stir up conflict. We are quick to point out flaws we see in church (or universities or government, etc.) but when it comes time to buckle down and make changes we don't want to be the ones to blaze the trail for others to follow. We don't want to be the ones in the spotlight, catching all the flack.

How do we balance this tension?
Good grief, I wish with all my being that I knew the solution to this dilemma. I really wish God would just appear to me in a vision, drop a flashing neon sign in front of my face, or take me to a mountain and whisper the answer in my ear. But, for now, I will end where I began - unsure, but hopeful that God will provide sufficient light for me to see enough of the path ahead of me so that I can make a confident, steady next step on this journey.

May the Lord give us all the boldness to follow the Gospel even to the cross, and the humility to be gracious and loving to others on the way there.

hopefully this is as thought-provoking as it is long!

2009-01-24T13:48:00.000-08:00

I really enjoy Facebook. I know that might sound funny, but it is true. Many times I use Facebook as a reason to put off starting homework for just a few more minutes, but I always really enjoy seeing what is going on in other peoples’ lives. Sometimes it is just something silly and relatively insignificant like “Sarah has become a fan of House” or “Chris threw a sheep at Donny.” Other times it is more significant, such as “Katherine is going to China this summer to do mission work!” or “Aaron is going to be a dad!” Then there are times when I am caught off guard by “Amanda’s grandparents were just in a wreck and my grandmother is about to go into emergency surgery” or “Drew’s nephew probably has down syndrome. great. what next?”

This is part of what is great about Facebook. Facebook is an outlet where most people can be open about their likes and dislikes, beliefs, victories, struggles, and every day events. Our generation seems to really value honesty and openness which is evident by the notes people write explaining their frustration with a friend or with a presidential candidate or their struggles with believing in a God who is good when their child has just died from cancer. And I really enjoy Facebook because when I read peoples’ statuses or notes or wall posts I feel like I am involved in their lives. When I read Joel’s notes about his wife’s battle with cancer, I feel anger at the situation and elation when she is declared to be in remission. I get worried with Amanda about her grandparents and say a quick prayer that they will be okay. I question political stances along with my critical-thinking friends. I even know the every-day things like whether they like coffee or if we like the same music or TV shows.

There are so many ways I can feel connected to my Facebook friends - to people, some of whom I haven’t even seen or talked to in months or years. And this is where there is a problem. While most of my Facebook “friends” are truly friends, not strangers, I feel close to them and involved in their lives, but I am really not at all. Friendship is about much more than knowing information about a person or the activities of their life. Friendship is about being together. Friendship is about actually going through the difficult and joyous times together, not just reading about them. Friendship involves discussion about questions or struggles where both people are interacting with one another. Friendship does not consist of knowing for a fact that Naomi likes coffee and board games, it consists of drinking coffee and playing board games with Naomi.

While I may excel at keeping up with people on Facebook, I have failed miserably at being a true friend. However, there have been two people who really demonstrate how Facebook can be used as a way to enhance true friendship rather than replace it. Mark Hawk (the youth minister at the church in my hometown) and my dad, Bob Clark (who is the preacher at the same church), have made the most of Facebook. This weekend Mark went to a play that was put on at a high school in town. In the last two days I have seen at least five different encouraging messages he has written on the walls of some of the kids who were in the cast. My dad will often write about a great play in the USC football game on a fellow fan’s wall or he will check up on someone whom he knows has been dealing with a lot of stress. Although they both use Facebook frequently, they do not let it replace their friendships with people.

The life that Christ has called us to requires us to be in relationship with people, to live together in fellowship with one another. This means that, while I can learn about my friends on Facebook, I cannot let it replace an actual friendship. It means I have to put my laptop down, pick up the phone and make plans to hang out with a friend or have a conversation with someone who is in the middle of a crisis. I think Facebook has become such a huge phenomenon in part because it is a whole lot easier to be friends with a picture on the computer screen than it is to be with a real, live person who has a different personality, different beliefs and different interests from you. Relationships, while they can bring many blessings and enjoyable experiences, are often tough and require hard work!

In thinking about this, I realize that this way of thinking and approaching friendship goes beyond the world of Facebook for me. This is often my approach to my relationship with God. Read the Bible, read scholarly books and commentaries, write lots of papers, get a Bachelor’s and Master’s degree, think critically, discuss with professors and other students in classes, get lots of information and form opinions and beliefs…but I often find myself without time or interest in a true relationship that involves communication, transformation, and just being with God. As a result, I end up with a bunch of head knowledge, but where does that get me?

I hope and pray that I will not settle for a false sense of relationship, and instead learn to invest my heart as well as my mind in my relationships with God and others.

Commitment

2009-01-24T11:42:00.000-08:00

As Rodney Ashlock's Graduate Assistant, I have been working with him for a few months on the Christianity in Culture class that is offered to Sophomores at ACU. While we discussed the goals of the class, it became apparent that we wanted the students to commit to thinking critically about Christianity in Culture. As a result, a journaling-type assignment was born and we have asked the students in the class to turn in a "journal" of some sort that demonstrates a critical analysis of Christianity, Culture, or a combination of the two. I truly believe that this is essential to the life of a Christian, because if we don't intentionally think through life, it is very easy to just walk blindly through it and not give it any thought at all. However, as Christians we are called to be completely committed disciples of Christ, becoming more and more like in in every aspect. I have all too often fallen in the trap of living aimlessly, not fully thinking through the implications and consequences of the choices I make. Although this will not change overnight, I have decided to commit to critical thinking alongside my students. In doing so, I am making myself vulnerable to them as they are to me, and am opening my thoughts and feelings up to critique, encouragement, and discussion. I hope to look back and see the ways I have grown and see the fruit of living intentionally. May God give me insight, wisdom, the courage to see things with clarity, and grace when I fall short.

some thoughts...

The Whirlwind That Took Me to California

What's next?

My Abilene Bucket List

Laura's reactions to the 2010 American Music Awards performances

TV Tuesday on a Thursday

Freaky Friday

American Idol...or The Princess Bride?

health care reform according to craig ferguson

Jaeden and Buck

Musical Monday on a Tuesday.

The Safety Zone

"Theologians"

blurry smiles and clear sillyness

"Rock and Roll"

body...water (?!)

Thankful Thursday

Dr. Thompson wearing my pink coat! Seriously one of the best moments of my life.

"Say"

The Vocal Stylings of Adele

Marc Chagall - "Creation"

"Free"

Thankful Thursday

This starfruit wasn't nearly as tasty as the one I picked off the tree in Brazil...but I was in California and too sunburned to care!

"Many the Miles"

With what shall I stir my coffee?

catching up...

The Muse/U2 Experience

Mr. Columbus

a most beautiful dedication

want a bite of ice cream?

Thankful Thursday

i'm getting excited about carving pumpkins again! this is the one i carved last year...

"only with careful hands..."

Thankful Thursday

i have loved this picture for several years now

mmm...food!

"Freaky Friday"

"Thankful Thursday"

Remembering

The Gift

Christ At Work

The Singing God

Be Still and Know that I Am God

sorry for the break...

For He Is Good

Forgetful People

God With Us

i write so that i might sleep.

resurrection power

*sigh*...I have so much growing to do

can i just get a revelation, please?

hopefully this is as thought-provoking as it is long!

Commitment

sigh...I have so much growing to do